I: Introduction

I remember fantasizing on the first day of Kindergarten, while playing with one of those plastic stove sets, that I was called something more unusual; I tried to think of something better and more distinctive in preparation of the name game that my teachers said we would play after snack time, but the only thing I could think of was Fig Newton. What the fuck do you want? I was five years old and hungry.

The only cool part about my vanilla name, I thought, was that Michael Knight used it as an alias once in an episode of Knight Rider. Not that you care (and not that anyone is actually reading this) but I have a theory that my impression of my name as being overly-common lead me to seek out unusual experiences. To date, I've seriously studied for and experimented with four different carreers. Not quite nine lives yet, but I'm only 27. And I'm lazy.

Ironically, my name isn't as common as I use to think it was: I've actually only ever met one other Joe Brown. When I told him this, he said, "I ain't ever met no white Joe Brown before." I was about to confess that I had always considered myself African American at heart, but thought better of it because it was total fabrication. I like my name now. As a native New Yorker, I appreciate anything that adds to my ability to remain anonymous. And in that spirit, I'm going to remain just another of the thousands of Joe Browns currently living in New York City.